“Store to send lobsters gently into that good pot: Whole Foods waives ban on live sales in Maine.”
— Boston Globe, Feb. 8, 2007
MEMO
From: Little Bay Lobster Company
To: Vinalhaven lobstermen
Please note that we have assured Whole Foods we can deliver lobsters guaranteed to be fresh, healthy, and humanely treated. Therefore, their quality of life is of utmost importance to us from the moment they enter your traps. The following guidelines, based on our conversations with Whole Foods, are now in place and should be closely adhered to. Your diligence in this matter is greatly appreciated.
Proper Mood
Attitude is important. Studies have proven that moods are contagious. Lobsters must never be made to feel uncomfortable, anxious, or self-conscious. Rough language, off-color jokes, discriminatory statements, political debate, inebriation, arguments, and inappropriate radio chatter or music must be strictly monitored on board, and proper comportment, content, and noise levels maintained. Any defamatory comments about crustaceans are strictly prohibited. When clearly used as a term of endearment, lobsters may continue to be referred to as “bugs.” At all times, lobsters must be treated with dignity and respect.
Proper Handling
Our harvesting method will be “two-touch,” minimal handling in low-impact ways. After welcoming the lobsters on board, gently coax them out of the trap to measure them. This ideally should be experienced by the lobster as a kind of whole-body massage. They may understandably exhibit distress due to excessive shyness, anxiety, or displeasure. Convey a sense that you care about them. Introduce them to their “new home” in a friendly fashion, as you place each lobster in individual containers henceforth referred to as “condos.” The transport of “condos” by truck to Portland will be referred to as “relocation.” Language alluding to, even euphemistically, their imminent demise is strictly prohibited. Studies have proven that cattle who in the moments before slaughter experience feelings of tension and confusion produce less succulent meat. Our lobsters will not suffer that same fate. Boat activity must be monitored for elements possibly anxiety-producing, confusing, stressful or depressing. No discussion of current events, therefore, should occur on board.
Goals and Outcomes
Our lobsters will feel good about themselves and humans because of this process. That mood will be sustained up until their moment of “decent demise.” With the installation of “CrustaStun,” a state-of-the-art humane death device, specially-trained Whole Foods personnel can administer a merciful 110-volt jolt, instantaneously ending the lobster’s life. (Or, customers may still elect to administer more traditional methods at home) We can feel proud that we are doing our utmost, with these efforts, to work towards alleviating pain and eradicating insensitive treatment, prolonged suffering, senseless torture, excessive aggression, and crassly-administered killing. Demonstrating dignity and respect for the carapaced crustacean: this could be the beginning of something big.
Tina Cohen has a home on Vinalhaven.