I had an encounter one recent morning with a middle-aged woman at the ferry terminal. She wore what I took to be a puzzled expression but appeared to be crying a little and was fanning herself vigorously although it was comfortably cool outside. I waded forth, and observed, “Excuse me, you look like you’re having a bad day. Is there something on your mind or anything I can do?”
As it developed she had quite a list of things I might do and she took the time to enumerate many of them, concluding with the suggestion that I contact an organization called New Hope For Men to find help for myself. She wasn’t entirely sure the organization existed but allowed as how it ought to if it didn’t and its purpose should be to give males a greater understanding of the full range of physical and emotional sensations enjoyed by women at the unsettling juncture at which she had apparently arrived. New Hope For Men, she continued, picking up steam quite literally, will have been founded by women, many women she felt sure, who are eager to share the mid-life experience with their respective men, and to see those men’s lives more closely resemble their own during this timely intersection in the cycle of life. Perhaps, she acknowledged, those responsible for the founding of New Hope For Men will even include a few men, enlightened men, she observed, looking for a richer, more fulfilling existence and I, she concluded, I guess from my incredulous attitude, was not likely to be one of them.
She continued to speculate. “New Hope For Men will make available helpful products and information for the guy in question, as if there were any who aren’t. Among them will be inconspicuous little packs that will produce a wildly and unpredictably fluctuating temperature, from and within extremes of hot to cold. The packs will be form fitting, capable of being worn nearly anywhere and of being worn severally and separately, on different parts of the body so that while one appendage or another may feel very warm, another part of the body will certainly feel too cold. In other words, the wearer will be held precisely in the throes of misery and discomfort wherein I presently wallow.
“Helpful too will be a little transmitter to be installed on his side of the bed that will come on sporadically during the hours when he is asleep or nearly so, issuing softly whispered reminders, sure to register subliminally, that others, my husband for example, sleep soundly, even snore contentedly and uninterrupted night after night after long night.
“Perhaps a physician on staff at New Hope For Men can, after a cursory on-line interrogatory designed to circumvent liability, prescribe something like Flexeril, the muscle relaxer. The result will be a descent into lethargy not unlike that which I will endure this afternoon as I do nearly everyday.
“The same tiny and easily concealed device can then perhaps be pocketed during the day and, via a small earphone, will broadcast assorted variations of nerve-wracking messages, common voice mail recordings perhaps, such as ‘To ensure quality control, this call may be monitored’ or, ‘Your call is very important to us,’ ‘All our customer service representatives are busy helping other customers,’ or ‘Please listen carefully as our menu has changed.’ Endless repetition of such mindless drivel will produce elevated levels of irritability, just as it does in real life. You know, now that I think of it, perhaps the simultaneous ingestion of crack cocaine could be arranged. The two combined should produce a nice jarring roller coaster blend of irritability, exhilaration and depression, not unlike the one I was experiencing when you had the bad form to inquire into my state of mind.
“I would be grateful too, if clothing, the kind of clothing he customarily wears, could be found just a size too small in all directions, just enough to suggest convincingly that he is bulking up in every imaginable way even though the scale suggests nothing has changed.”
“Finally I suggest a visit to a hypnotist who will persuasively suggest that almost anything, self flagellation for example, or mucking stalls, certainly wine or chocolate, is likely to be more interesting and produce greater satisfaction, than sex.
“So, thank you for stopping by and inquiring. It’s been therapeutic for me and, I hope instructive for you.”
– Phil Crossman, Vinalhaven